Writing Reflections

I am not a novice to the English 101 course. I took this same course in the year 1999 and again a few years after. I would not have taken this class again if my previously earned credits had been transferable. Writing has always been my strongest subject and I expected the same outcome in this class.

The audience for this course was my classmates. I found it difficult to write for an audience that I knew nothing about. The challenge was determining how to write in such a way that it would be relatable to a younger audience.

In light of writing to my audience, I found it necessary to work on my tone. Writing in a conversational tone is difficult for me due to the fact that I have spent years creating a formal writing voice. The most challenging assignment for me was the blog entries. It was important to use vocabulary that was less formal than I am accustomed to using. I would naturally fall back into using a formal tone and have to revise multiple times prior to publishing.

Being aware of different genre conventions helped to give my writing a starting point. As I previously stated, knowing that a blog is written in a conversational tone allowed me to critically listen to my work. As I would read my blog drafts aloud, I would imagine myself speaking to a friend. If it sounded too much like a research paper, I would immediately revise.

Learning about the genre of dystopian fiction and the expected conventions helped me to craft my narrative and analysis essays. The conventions essentially handed me an outline to follow. If I could be sure to include all necessary expectations, my work would be seen as complete.

A formal prewriting process is not one that I typically employ. As an experienced writer, I am usually able to mentally think through the process of including topic sentences and supporting evidence as I write. I did find, however, that having a formal outline written in advance for my analysis essay was to my benefit. There was an incredible amount of information required for the assignment and the outline insured that I would remember to include every piece that was important. I even found that some thoughts listed on my outline became unnecessary.

Writing multiple drafts of my work is second nature to me. I find that I proofread all of my work, including emails and text messages. As I was working through the rough draft of my analysis essay, I would read, often times aloud, my entire piece and make small incremental changes. This process helped me to craft the best possible essay.

I was not a fan of the class peer review process. Usually, the person assigned to complete my peer review usually had very little to suggest with regard to ideas that could make my paper better. They might find a typo or a word that was accidentally excluded, but did not typically have suggestions for enhancing the style or organization. For my analysis essay, I chose to have my paper reviewed by a work colleague who has a degree in education. She had much more to offer by way of review. I believe the changes she suggested made my paper stronger.

One of my strengths as a writer is my skill at utilizing a wide variety of vocabulary. In high school, I became closely acquainted with a thesaurus. I use the tool in each paper that I write. I believe that it helps my writing to avoid becoming repetitious.

As an older writer, I have found that the opportunity to write a large number of papers has added to my strengths. I am experienced with the writing process and it has allowed me to compose work with relative ease. I am able to clearly connect thoughts and ideas in a way that is understandable by the reader. I can honestly say that I am unsure of how my writing improved as a result of this class. Most of the skill that I have with regards to writing was learned prior to this round of English 101. I am sure, however, that if I had never taken a course like this before, the experience would have been different. The lectures and Power Point presentations would have been new information.

Although I learned very little new information about the skill of writing, I did learn a lot about myself. I discovered that I do not like the dystopian genre because I find it to be extremely negative. I find it much easier to write when I find the topic enjoyable. I felt that spending an entire semester in a single genre was restrictive when trying to be creative with my work.

I have also learned that I much prefer an online learning environment to an in-person classroom. Each course that I have taken online has had much better interaction between students due to the fact that it was required as a measurable form of attendance and participation. This class was full of students who would simply not come to class. They would participate very little when they did come. This lack of commitment to the class was a drawback to the learning process.

In the end, I will be thrilled to complete this class and receive the transferable credit. I feel that I am ready to move on to higher level courses. I am certain that the skill of writing will become increasingly important as I continue on through my degree pursuit.

The Secret

I’ve only been married for fifteen years so I consider myself still pretty new at this. I’m definitely far from an expert. I decided to seek out some advice from those who have been down this road before me. The logical place to do quick research is to ask a question on Facebook. Within hours, I had dozens of people offering their advice. Here are a few of the responses:

Never go to bed angry with your partner, you may never know it was the last moment you have with them and you wouldn’t want your last thoughts of them to be an argument.             -Melissa, married 10 years

Even though life is super busy when you have a family make sure you spend time together just the two of you to stay connected.                                                                                    -Michelle, married 22 years

Remember that marriage, just as life, can be a rollercoaster at times, always stick it through the tough times as well as the good, marriage takes work, you are two separate people, coming together as one and always make God the center of your life.                                                                                                 -Dannelle, married 23 years

We are all human, be willing to forgive when your spouse hurts you. Always be willing to grow and change together.        -Aimee, married 20 years

We sit down and talk every day for about an hour! We talk through issues, set goals, and we keep open communication! We still enjoy date nights, weekend get-aways, we do things together! ALWAYS! Keep God in the center of your relationship!    -Margie, married 38 years

These things have kept us together–our common faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, lots of forgiveness and letting things go, lots of giving and receiving, always being open to learning–especially working on our own self instead of trying to change the other. It’s an ongoing process!!                                           -Janet, married 54 years

Bury the hatchet in the garden. Leave it there. Never bring up yesterday’s quarrel today! Keep moving in life.                 -Wanda, married 7 years

One word: honesty. It is the foundation for trust, communication, and for following God’s plan. Without it, everything from the point of the first lie falls under the category of “garbage in garbage out.” And believing your own lies is a dangerous road that should never be traveled.                        -Tom, married 28 years

Ladies, ALWAYS ask for help opening the pickle jar. Men, NEVER strain while opening it, no matter how hard it is to open… -John, married 12 years

These are just a sample of the responses I received. I saw time and time again, how the people who were married the longest mentioned that their success depended on God being the center of their relationship. Remind anyone of the relationship triangle? I agree with this advice wholeheartedly! I know it to be true because I have experienced it in my own life. Even now, when our relationship is finally standing on solid ground, I find example after example of how God has brought us through fire and is rebuilding something that never ceases to amaze me.

The Miracle

In my last post, I thought through the impact a broken family has on a person when they reach adulthood. All of the unhealthy emotional baggage that a child carries as a result of a separation or divorce has the ability to impair their ability to make healthy choices and have successful adult relationships. This was, unfortunately, the reality where I found myself. My marriage of thirteen years was on the edge of the cliff and about to take a flying deadly leap. My husband and I fought all the time, if we were on speaking terms. If someone were to look into either of our eyes, they would only see emptiness and pain. The only reason he stayed was because of our three daughters. I believe that deep down we also knew that giving up on a relationship that God put together was a terribly unfair idea.

I found myself spending a lot of time praying alone. Some days I could hardly breathe. The only prayer I could utter was, “Help”. Each moment felt like an eternal agony. Somewhere in the last two years, I began to see God move on our behalf. I knew He always had a plan for me and for us, but now I began to see it come about in tangible ways. My husband, who before had always chosen to go “out”, began asking me if I wanted to grab some dinner with him. We would go to the store together or just watch TV and laugh. That was new too…the laughter. I guess you could say that we became friends. My husband and I have dated each other more in the last six months than we ever did when we were teenagers. This Spring he surprised me with a vacation for just the two of us. This trip will be amazing with things he loves and do and things that are special to me.

The greatest moment came about a month ago, when we decided to take the plunge and relocate our family to Colorado. He said that our family needed a place where we can simply have a fresh start. To me, that is the same as officially renewing our vows. There was a time when he said that he wanted a fresh start without me. Now we have this adventure waiting for us. We are working together as a team to get our house ready to sell and to finalize where we want to end up. Instead of my children hearing angry words coming from our bedroom at night, they hear us laughing and exchanging dreams and ideas.

I am so grateful that we chose not to give up. Celebrating our 15th anniversary this Fall will be our greatest one yet because the victory will be so sweet. God has once again come through and made something that we destroyed into something that will be an amazing legacy for our children and generations to come.

The Legacy

One of the most heart-wrenching risks for a child of a divorced family is the possibility of a divorce in their own adult relationship. I have observed that children who come from broken homes find themselves in similar circumstances later on. As I grew into adulthood, I tried to put my parents’ struggles behind me. My hope was that I would do better. My fear was that I would not.

In order to cope with all of the emotional baggage stirred up by my childhood, I found myself striving for perfection in every area. I suppose my unconscious theory was that if I could arrange my life in such a way to eliminate risk, I could avoid heartache. This sense of control only brought me harm in the end. I entered into my own marriage still suffering from a fear of abandonment. I always had a nagging feeling that my husband would one day leave just like my father did. My self-esteem was nearly non-existent. There was nothing my husband could do or say to convince me otherwise. This unhealthy opinion of myself and my marriage, combined with the fact that I had not learned healthy relationship skills growing up, set me down a path with divorce written all over it. My husband couldn’t handle the pressure of trying to “fix” me and make me feel happy. It was unfair of me to put that pressure on him. We began to grow apart. The further he ran, the harder I chased. Our life was broken. I woke up day after day with a sense of my life being a horrible dream. History seemed to be repeating itself.

It was a long two year struggle. I questioned everything I knew…my sense of self, my faith. I prayed many times every day. There were so many moments that I could hardly breathe. This would not be the end for me or my marriage, however. A miracle for my family was on the way.

The Pinch

Fortunately, when my parents were separated, I was too young to understand our financial circumstances. Had they decided to follow through with their divorce, I have no doubt that the knowledge of our low checkbook balance would have been unavoidable.

I have seen the financial struggles, instead, through the lives of the family and friends around me in my adult life. One single parent that I am closely connected with has three children. This person receives zero dollars per month in child support. With each child now an adolescent, I’ve seen how school activities and summer camps become nearly impossible to afford, let alone Christmas gifts. It is hard enough for my husband and I to afford these same activities for our children and we are blessed to be a two-income family. Many times single parents find it necessary to work multiple jobs to make ends meet. In the family I described, often the parent has to “rob Peter to pay Paul” in order to do everyday things like pay the rent.

In my job as a tax preparer, I have listened to different people talk about not wanting to file their taxes because the IRS will only take their refund to pay back child support. I’ve also seen some refuse to work altogether so that they won’t have paychecks that can be garnished. It sickens me to think of the children who are involved in these situations.

When single parents have to look for additional employment, one of the sacrifices that is made is quality time and supervision for their children. With the parent away from home, often older children are left alone to their own devices. These older children desperately need interaction with a loving parent as they try to navigate their teenage years. Younger children spend large amounts of time with babysitters who, although responsible, are not nearly as invested in the maturation of the child. The quality time and supervision that is lacking from the single parent also affects the child academically. One of the main things that can help a child rise above an impoverished financial situation is the achievement of their education. With no parent consistently around to make sure that homework is finished, grades begin to plummet. Let’s face it…even though no one enjoys homework, it is for our good.

The financial struggle faced by single-parent families is great and many times overwhelming. When added to the emotional and psychological effects that I shared previously, you can see how easy it would be for the cycle to simply repeat itself over and over. I had hoped that since my parents reversed their decision after a relatively short period of time I could avoid repeating the cycle myself. However, I found that the one’s heart, left untreated, is bound for similar heart ache.

The Scar

After the initial shock of my parent’s decision to separate wore off, our family was left to pick up the pieces individually. I chose to live with my mother while my brother chose my father.

Each night I listened as my mother cried herself to sleep. She was unavailable to help me process my emotions because she was so completely overwhelmed with her own. So much of our day to day life seems absent from my memory. It’s almost as if the days were simply removed from existence.

Following a few months of separation, my parents determined that we would attempt to put our family back together. My mother and I left the home we had just begun to build and traveled states away to rejoin my father and my brother. One might think that this alone would bring the healing that we needed, but that would be wrong.

Each member of our family carried lasting scars from this trauma. If my memory is correct, there was never a discussion about the separation. My parents may have received counseling, but I am certain that my brother and I went on as if nothing had happened. One motto that I remember clearly is “what happens in our family, stays in our family.” The image that we presented to the outside world was not accurate in reality. It almost seemed that the only way to preserve our family was to ignore our scars. My scars, however, were very real and lasting.

One aspect of emotional scars has stayed with me long into adulthood. It has taken me many years of adult counseling and introspection to come to terms with the effects of my childhood. I have made a connection between the horrible event and my intense fear of rejection and abandonment. Children often are not emotionally mature enough to deal with their feelings in a healthy way. Often the child will feel as though they are somehow to blame. I compensated for this fear by becoming as perfect as I possibly could. I worked hard to receive the best grades possible. I learned to avoid taking risks if it could ensure that I wouldn’t have to experience failure and disappointment. This has actually served to mold me into a controlling and unhealthy person. Somewhere along the way, I figured that if I could keep circumstances perfect then I could protect my heart from negative emotions. This is an unhealthy way of relating to others and places an unrealistic expectation on myself.

When a family breaks down, each person feels the effects of it. The way a person deals with their negative feelings impacts how they interact with society, how they perform at work, how they connect in future relationships, and how they raise their future children. The result is felt by everyone in the society.

Emotional scarring is not the only effect of a family breakdown. In next week’s post, we’ll look at the effects felt by a broken family in the area of financial poverty.

The Shock

I remember it like it was yesterday, like any eleven year old who was completely caught off guard would. During a vacation with my mother’s parents, I received the news that would rock my world forever. My grandmother came to me and began to share the news that my parents, who were states away, would be separating while my brother and I were gone. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what divorce was…many of my friends had lived through it. However, my world was turned upside down by the fact that I simply didn’t see it coming.

After a week with my mother’s parents, my brother and I went to stay with my father’s parents. Out of those two weeks away from my home, I only clearly remember one conversation. Both sides of my family had left me with a legacy of faith. That legacy is so much a part of who we are. Sitting at the kitchen table, I watched my nana draw a triangle on a piece of unused napkin. This didn’t make any sense to me, but the picture became clear as she explained. She patiently shared that when a man and a woman marry, it isn’t just the two of them in the relationship. God is also an integral part, whether or not He is ever acknowledged. She added names to each corner of the triangle. She scribbled “God” to the top of the triangle, my father’s name on the bottom left corner, and my mother’s name on the bottom right. She told how when the man and woman are growing closer to God, they are also moving closer to each other. When they are not moving closer to him, they will also inevitably be moving farther away from one another. Eventually they will fall apart because a family is too hard to manage successfully on their own.

These life-shaping experiences stick with you. Culture tells us that we should follow our own desires and pursue what makes us happy. However, we spend little time considering how our actions impact those around us and the generations to come. In the next post, we’ll look at how the decision to break up a family affects our society emotionally. No person ever escapes unscarred.

Creation of many minds..

Following is a story crafted by many imaginations.

“It’s true,” she thought, “It’s all really true!” As Cassie thought back over the past two weeks, she remembered her skepticism of the magic diet pill. Throughout her life, she had struggled with her weight. Being overweight had run in her family so she always assumed that she just had bad genes. A while back, on a sleepless night, she saw an infomercial about a “magic pill” that promised to melt the weight away. All that was required of her was to sign a disclaimer saying that she would not sue the company for any side effects.

At first, the pill seemed to work wonders, as she watched her weight drop. She loved what it was doing to her body. She looked great! She wasn’t self-conscious about her body anymore.

The next morning, she woke up with a sharp pain in her body. Screaming uncontrollably, she searched for answers online to find out what the seemingly magic pill really was. She discovered there were already thousands of people, just like her, infected. The pill that had helped her become what she always wanted to be had also wreaked havoc on her. That’s when everything changed.

She went to the emergency room that night crying and screaming. What was happening to her? As she laid on the bed waiting for the test results, she saw something on the news in front of her. It was complete chaos. People who took the same pill as she did had become monsters. A startlingly purple dinosaur appeared on the right side of the screen. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She came to the conclusion that she was crazy. She wondered why she ever took the pill.

One of her friends came for a visit. She had a surprise for her…another pill. “Do I take it or do I not?” Cassie asked herself. She decided that it was all a dream.

She walked outside and found sitting on her front porch steps was the purple dinosaur. “Can I help you with something, Mister Dinosaur?” she asked. He replied, “Why, of course you can help me with anything. But I believe you are the one in need of help.” The dinosaur soon faded away. Had she really seen the dinosaur or was it just a side effect of the pill? Cassie soon forgot about that strange purple dinosaur. But then one day, while she was out raking leaves in her yard, the purple dinosaur appeared again. She was caught so off guard that she fainted. She awoke in her bed with her friend sitting near.

“We were all so worried about you, Cassie” exclaimed her friend Beth. “You have been asleep for three weeks.” That explained it. She really was dreaming about all of the nonsense. Cassie determined that from this moment on, she would never try to take the easy road. She would work hard to get her health where it needed to be.

What if?…

Imagine a society where the institution of marriage has been eliminated. In this imaginary world, the experts, mainly psychologists, have determined that long-term committed relationships stifle a person’s sense of happiness. Monogamy causes a person to feel a sense of slavery. In order to promote freedom, you are prohibited from marrying the one you love and are instead encouraged to sow your “oats” around.

What would happen if someone decided that living their life only for their own happiness was actually empty of happiness?…

“Dear fellow wanderer,

I know this may be hard to believe, but I may have found a secret. All the talk shows and check lane magazines tell us that being tied down is slavery. They want to convince us that we are happier when we jump around from one relationship to another. I don’t buy it anymore.

From the time I was born, I have had no idea who my parents were. You understand this, because it’s true for you too. Did you ever wonder why we are all housed in orphanages from birth? Our parents, and everyone before them, were convinced that taking care of their own children would be slavery because it would tie them down with responsibility. It would be easier to just pay more taxes to the children’s home and have someone take care of your kids so you don’t have to worry about it.

What isn’t adding up for me is that I don’t feel complete and happy. I actually feel empty. I want to know who I came from. What were my parents like? Do I look like them? Do I love the same things they love?

I found this dusty book hidden away in the archives of the orphanage library. It has all kinds of ancient stories in it. So many of the stories describe how we should treat one another and put others needs before our own. It sounds so foreign but at the same time, I’m drawn to it. It talks about relationships between characters called a husband and a wife. I’m not really sure what those words mean exactly, but I think that it is worth a try. It has to be better than this meager existence.

I shared my idea with the love of my life. He is drawn to this idea of being only with me and raising our family on our own. We are planning to leave thirty days from today under the cover of darkness. If you want to see if there is more to this life than living only for yourself, join us on this new path of self-discovery. We may not succeed but I know that the strength we’ll find by being together will make it worth it.

Sincerely,

A Star-Crossed Lover”

Keep the family together…

The family unit has an incredible impact on society as a whole. I have seen firsthand, after living through a family crisis, that the effects of brokenness are impossible to ignore. I have also been a witness to countless family and friends whose lives have been distressed by their parent’s choice to end a relationship with their child’s other parent.

I believe that children receive the most benefit when they are raised with both parents in their home. You might argue that it would be better for the family to separate if there is constant turmoil in the home. However, I think that the rewards of watching their parents struggle and come through turmoil on the other side can reap priceless rewards for the child.

What can you learn from watching your parents struggle and then work through their problems? First of all, you would learn that the idea of a fairytale is not realistic. If you believe that true love should be without problems, you will be tempted to throw in the towel at the first sign of frustration. Next , you can learn effective communication and conflict resolution by watching them work through their issues. These two life skills will be used over and over again as an adult.

As I have watched children grow up without their family unit intact, I have seen so many negative effects. I have watched children grow up missing a relationship with one of their parents. The parent that leaves often creates a new family for themselves. The child left behind is now left to suffer with emotional issues as they struggle to make sense of what they did wrong. Many times a child, who is not mature enough to understand the situation, feels a sense of responsibility for the breakdown of their family.

The single parent who has stayed is now also solely responsible for supporting the family. This obligation takes the parent away from home for many hours a day because they may have to find a second job to even make financial ends meet. This lack of quality supervision leaves the child with many opportunities to make dangerous choices. Many times, this single-parent family also lives in poverty which can affect future success for the child.

There may be some situations where the break-up of a family may be the best answer. The safety of family members may be at stake when there is physical or sexual abuse taking place. I have heard of mothers and their children who have needed to go into hiding in order to be safe from an abusive husband and father. The victims in these families will not be able to escape emotional scars but with help, they can put the pieces of their lives back together.

I’m sure that some would say, “What happens in another family has no effect on me.” I would disagree. These emotional problems and poverty situation may at first appear to only affect those in the family. However, if you think about it, each individual person joins together to create a single society. Not a one of us live on an island. We are each affected by the lives of those around us.

I think that in today’s society, we tend to be a selfish people. We so easily throw our family to the wayside. So often, there are no dangers to our well-being. We simply decide that we are bored with our partner or we come to the conclusion that our happiness is the most important thing. I believe that we would find that if we seek available help for our families during times of crisis, the people we become through facing the struggle head-on would be such an amazing gift that can be left as a legacy for generations to come.